Above is the original promo shot for the 1990 film HARDWARE, a stylish if low-budget horror feature by Richard Stanley. i have been waiting patiently for it to become available commercially as a region 1 DVD. Meanwhile, as a frustrated blurb writer, i have whimsically produced a storyboard of sorts for a new trailer for the film, using my scrappy old video copy as a source.. (Picture a pre-90s promo voice reading the script, like the fellow in Kentucky Fried Movie.)
 | Hardware, starring STACEY TRAVIS as Jill Bukowski |
 | DYLAN MCDERMOTT as Moses McBain |
 | JOHN LYNCH as Shades Lumenfilter |
 | WILLIAM HOOTKINS as Lincoln the Perverted Peeper, who loses his peepers! |
 | MARK NORTHOVER as Alvy the Techno-Wonder-Dwarf (they ain't p.c. in post-apocalyptic environs!) |
 | PAUL MCKENZIE as Vernon Blackluck |
 | OSCAR JAMES as Chief Kingston Severgut |
 | BARBARA YU LING as the put-upon Chinese mother |
 | special appearances by CARL MCCOY as the Nomadic Zone Tripper! |
 | LEMMY as the Yappy Water Taxi Driver! |
 | IGGY POP as Angry Bob the abusive radio disc jockey! |
 | and M.A.R.K.13 the insatiable destructo-droid as himself! |
 | directed by RICHARD STANLEY, who looks suspiciously like Lou Reed. |
 | Become ensconced in numerous close-ups of Jill's face! |
 | (Some of them in other-than-orange light!) |
 | Feel dirty Christian guilt as you witness lusty Lincoln's point of view! |
 | Chortle with laughter as Jill samples some extra special cigarettes! |
 | Toss your cookies as you trip on industrial strength psychedelics with Moe! |
 | Gasp with chills as Jill spills swill (blood and axle grease) with skill in this battle to the death/short circuit! It's kill or be killed, until one's fulfilled! The fields of Armageddon get tilled! Nothing beats this bill! It's not run-of-the-mill! Is that shrimp or crill? I need to take a pill! |
Hmm, maybe they should just stick with the original trailer. Now where is the bloody DVD??
